Hi Internet,
"Hi Internet" is the new "Dear Diary." haha.. funny.
Anyway, I've been feeling pretty odd lately. As I look around at all my friends, they are either in long and committed relationships or in budding and blossoming ones. I'm 22. No degree, no job, no boyfriend. I mean, honestly, I don't have much to complain about, but it sort of stinks to be the perpetual third wheel. Third wheel, fifth wheel, all the same. I'm always the odd one out. Huh.. never thought about the meaning of that saying til now. Even numbers.. coupled off... odd.. one. out.. makes sense haha.
Yup, I'm still happy-ish, just a gloomy rainy day.
Cheers internet.
Thursday, December 17, 2015
Monday, December 7, 2015
A Life Worth Living
I started this blog when I was 19. I'm 22 now and after resurfacing some old posts I'm glad that time passed and I'm glad that I've grown up. I don't negate or invalidate the thoughts I had 3 years ago but I will say that I look back at myself and grieve the girl that I once was and that I am so thankful to who I am today.
Hi internet, it's been a while.
The truth is, I love talking about myself. That has been proven to be true time and time again. This blog's purpose for instance, was solely made so that I could vent, especially in the times that I didn't have anyone to vent to. I felt sad and alone and had no outlet so I chose the internet. I don't know if it was a wise decision to lay out my struggles and insecurities online but I will say that this blog helped me when I needed someone to talk to. I'm a verbal processor and need to talk things out in order to get anything figured out in my head. What's hard for me is to find someone that I can think those things through with. Since my last post, I left AACC and transferred into the University of Maryland. My first semester was a whirlwind of experiences, emotions, and relationships. I told myself before going to school that I was going to go and make it different, and that's exactly what I did. I jumped into a campus christian organization called CRU. I had been living my life expecting people to come to me but I realized that that wasn't going to work this time round. I worked at being a version of myself that was hard not to like. I chose my words and actions very meticulously and carefully until I didn't have to anymore. My first semester was calculated but my second semester, the one that is coming to a close in just a couple of short weeks, has been nothing short of amazing.
I tear up as I write this because I would have never thought that in this short amount of time I would meet people that I would fall so deeply in love with in such a short amount of time. My friends are so important to me and just three years ago I was crying about the fact that I had none and that people didn't care about me. I realize now that no one really knew me and I never gave them the chance to. I secluded myself and I made the decision to not be "my own worst enemy."
All in all, I'm happy now. I struggle still with fitting in and being liked, but I have people in my corner. I have people that I love to spend time with, people to be with my in my struggles. I have what I've wanted for a long time and for that I thank God, because without Him and my realization of my own worth in Him none of this would've been possible. I decided to end my seclusion because I saw my self as worth getting to know. I stopped the lie that kept creeping up in my life that no one cares. I found out that one person does SO much that it pales in comparison to everything else. Jesus loves me. He loves me so much, in my brokenness, in my pain, in my sin, He still loves me. If I have that love, what else matters?? Once that became so true in my life, everything changed. I don't need to be scared of social interaction because who cares if people don't like me! Who cares if they think I'm annoying? I sure don't, because someone who is so perfect and loving and kind and amazing loves me more than anyone ever could. I believe this, I internalize this, and that is what strikes my fear down. In doing so I learned that I'm not annoying and people will like me and love me for who I am. My fears of rejection were so real before I ever got rejected. I am in love with the Lord and all of his people.. Romans 12:9-21 is titled the marks of the true christian. With the advice of a friend, I've decided that this passage is how I want to live my life. Wholly and completely.
Marks of the True Christian
Let love be genuine.
Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good.
Love one another with brotherly affection.
Outdo one another in showing honor.
Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord.
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.
Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them.
Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.
Live in harmony with one another.
Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly.
Never be wise in your own sight.
Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all.
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay says the Lord."
To the contrary, "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by doing so you will heap burning coals on his head."
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
I just want to let the internet know that I'm happy.
Cheers,
Hi internet, it's been a while.
The truth is, I love talking about myself. That has been proven to be true time and time again. This blog's purpose for instance, was solely made so that I could vent, especially in the times that I didn't have anyone to vent to. I felt sad and alone and had no outlet so I chose the internet. I don't know if it was a wise decision to lay out my struggles and insecurities online but I will say that this blog helped me when I needed someone to talk to. I'm a verbal processor and need to talk things out in order to get anything figured out in my head. What's hard for me is to find someone that I can think those things through with. Since my last post, I left AACC and transferred into the University of Maryland. My first semester was a whirlwind of experiences, emotions, and relationships. I told myself before going to school that I was going to go and make it different, and that's exactly what I did. I jumped into a campus christian organization called CRU. I had been living my life expecting people to come to me but I realized that that wasn't going to work this time round. I worked at being a version of myself that was hard not to like. I chose my words and actions very meticulously and carefully until I didn't have to anymore. My first semester was calculated but my second semester, the one that is coming to a close in just a couple of short weeks, has been nothing short of amazing.
I tear up as I write this because I would have never thought that in this short amount of time I would meet people that I would fall so deeply in love with in such a short amount of time. My friends are so important to me and just three years ago I was crying about the fact that I had none and that people didn't care about me. I realize now that no one really knew me and I never gave them the chance to. I secluded myself and I made the decision to not be "my own worst enemy."
All in all, I'm happy now. I struggle still with fitting in and being liked, but I have people in my corner. I have people that I love to spend time with, people to be with my in my struggles. I have what I've wanted for a long time and for that I thank God, because without Him and my realization of my own worth in Him none of this would've been possible. I decided to end my seclusion because I saw my self as worth getting to know. I stopped the lie that kept creeping up in my life that no one cares. I found out that one person does SO much that it pales in comparison to everything else. Jesus loves me. He loves me so much, in my brokenness, in my pain, in my sin, He still loves me. If I have that love, what else matters?? Once that became so true in my life, everything changed. I don't need to be scared of social interaction because who cares if people don't like me! Who cares if they think I'm annoying? I sure don't, because someone who is so perfect and loving and kind and amazing loves me more than anyone ever could. I believe this, I internalize this, and that is what strikes my fear down. In doing so I learned that I'm not annoying and people will like me and love me for who I am. My fears of rejection were so real before I ever got rejected. I am in love with the Lord and all of his people.. Romans 12:9-21 is titled the marks of the true christian. With the advice of a friend, I've decided that this passage is how I want to live my life. Wholly and completely.
Marks of the True Christian
Let love be genuine.
Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good.
Love one another with brotherly affection.
Outdo one another in showing honor.
Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord.
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.
Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them.
Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.
Live in harmony with one another.
Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly.
Never be wise in your own sight.
Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all.
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay says the Lord."
To the contrary, "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by doing so you will heap burning coals on his head."
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
I just want to let the internet know that I'm happy.
Cheers,
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Explorer
Not new lands to journey
Nor ruins of old
I am an explorer of places untold
I am a seeker of possibility
Exploring the farthest depths of my inner me
Learning who I am within my soul
Discovering the paths that no one can know
I am an explorer
Crawling to my deepest desires
Understanding my most loathsome fears
I am an explorer determined to seek something so near
Traveling to the ends of my inner most thoughts
Braving through the should haves and should nots
I am an explorer more terrified than most
For the end of my journey all I see is a host
A frame, a shadow holding so dear
A world full of possibilities that will never be reared.
Nor ruins of old
I am an explorer of places untold
I am a seeker of possibility
Exploring the farthest depths of my inner me
Learning who I am within my soul
Discovering the paths that no one can know
I am an explorer
Crawling to my deepest desires
Understanding my most loathsome fears
I am an explorer determined to seek something so near
Traveling to the ends of my inner most thoughts
Braving through the should haves and should nots
I am an explorer more terrified than most
For the end of my journey all I see is a host
A frame, a shadow holding so dear
A world full of possibilities that will never be reared.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Monday, April 1, 2013
April Fool
Today's the first. I sit here, having had no social interaction all day, and realize how pathetic my life can be. Jesus, this sucks. No jokes -no pranks -not even a giggle.
I have no friends and that sucks. I never thought life after high school would be so lonely. I thought college was suppose to be a time of discovering who you really are. I thought this was the time you make the friends that will last forever. I thought this was the time I was suppose to make the best memories. I turn 20 this year and I am incredibly sad that I'm running out of time. I don't want to grow up alone.
Cheers
I have no friends and that sucks. I never thought life after high school would be so lonely. I thought college was suppose to be a time of discovering who you really are. I thought this was the time you make the friends that will last forever. I thought this was the time I was suppose to make the best memories. I turn 20 this year and I am incredibly sad that I'm running out of time. I don't want to grow up alone.
Cheers
Friday, March 29, 2013
Thinking.
Talking to the internet is so liberating. Knowing that no one is judging me, knowing that I am writing to no one. It may seem sad, and then I realize who cares? There is not one person reading this that will give a crap about me. No one is going to spend time to stop by this page read these posts. Thats the wonders of the internet. Maybe hundreds of years from now historians will stumble upon my blog and see me, see who I am, see how I think. I'll continue to write with this hope. Grasping on to this sliver of hope I will continue to think and think and think some more till what I think is of some importance. At this moment I'm unimpressed by my mind. I need to spend more time meditating. Less time talking, more time thinking.
I just spent the last 3 hours listening to this..
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Jitters
I'm feeling quite anxious today. I shouldn't have started my day off with a 20oz coffee but I did and here is where I'm at. I lie to myself and say caffeine doesn't affect me as much as I think it does. Today is a clear indication that I am no better than the next person in caffeine toleration.
The extra caffeine in my system is making me aware of about 75% more of my surroundings. (not to mention internally a well) I am self aware to an extreme level.
On a side note I've started couponing as a hobby. I figured I needed to do something to keep my mind occupied and thought 'what the heck, why not save some money.'
It's actually incredibly satisfying. I can see how people become addicted to it. The savings are so incredible. The other night I got a 40 dollar bill down to just 2 bucks! I was pretty proud of myself.
Well yeah, there it is. My dull life became all the more less interesting but at least I'm some what enjoying how I'm spending my time now, er money.
Cheers Internet
The extra caffeine in my system is making me aware of about 75% more of my surroundings. (not to mention internally a well) I am self aware to an extreme level.
On a side note I've started couponing as a hobby. I figured I needed to do something to keep my mind occupied and thought 'what the heck, why not save some money.'
It's actually incredibly satisfying. I can see how people become addicted to it. The savings are so incredible. The other night I got a 40 dollar bill down to just 2 bucks! I was pretty proud of myself.
Well yeah, there it is. My dull life became all the more less interesting but at least I'm some what enjoying how I'm spending my time now, er money.
Cheers Internet
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