Thinking.

Talking to the internet is so liberating. Knowing that no one is judging me, knowing that I am writing to  no one. It may seem sad, and then I realize who cares? There is not one person reading this that will give a crap about me. No one is going to spend time to stop by this page read these posts. Thats the wonders of the internet. Maybe hundreds of years from now historians will stumble upon my blog and see me, see who I am, see how I think. I'll continue to write with this hope. Grasping on to this sliver of hope I will continue to think and think and think some more till what I think is of some importance. At this moment I'm unimpressed by my mind. I need to spend more time meditating. Less time talking, more time thinking.

I just spent the last 3 hours listening to this..

Jitters

I'm feeling quite anxious today. I shouldn't have started my day off with a 20oz coffee but I did and here is where I'm at. I lie to myself and say caffeine doesn't affect me as much as I think it does. Today is a clear indication that I am no better than the next person in caffeine toleration.

The extra caffeine in my system is making me aware of about 75% more of my surroundings. (not to mention internally a well) I am self aware to an extreme level.

On a side note I've started couponing as a hobby. I figured I needed to do something to keep my mind occupied and thought 'what the heck, why not save some money.'

It's actually incredibly satisfying. I can see how people become addicted to it. The savings are so incredible. The other night I got a 40 dollar bill down to just 2 bucks! I was pretty proud of myself.

Well yeah, there it is. My dull life became all the more less interesting but at least I'm some what enjoying how I'm spending my time now, er money.

Cheers Internet

More than I can chew

Crash diets
Responsibilities
School work
Work work
My red-zone dog
Mental status
Medication
Familial obligations
Maintaining my theoretical laissez faire attitude.

Just needed a medium in which to write those things down. I'm not complaining. Life could be harder, worse. I could be dead, but I'm not. Another day.

Cheers.

Rumors

I believe there are people spreading lies about me and my family. I hear them through the grapevine. Be that as it may, none of the things I'm hearing are of any truth. 

I don't understand the reason for rumors. Well, actually, I guess I do. It all stems from one of two things: doubt and envy. I guess I can't blame these low-life's for envying my family and myself. They all come from screwed up homes and broken families. I on the other hand have a father and mother who are morally upstanding people. I have loving, intelligent, and successful siblings. I guess I am the only flaw, but regardless, my family is envied by so many tis why we are under so much attack. 

life is rough. strike that, its livable and I will live it. 

My thoughts aren't very coherent or of importance today, another update will come soon internet. One much more readable. 

Cheers.

Insanity

So this morning I've been told that next week I'll be having my psych evaluation. I wonder if I am crazy. What will these people think of me? Will medication and therapy help me? I don't know but I guess I'm partially willing to find out.

Quite relevantly ive also started the 60 day program insanity. Updates to come on both counts

As always,
Cheers

Edit: The psych evaluation was a ploy by my family. They're attempts to reach out are moot at this point.  The very thought that I might be mental proves to me that I in fact am not.

I wish I were though.

Today

A couple day ago I told myself that next time I'm eating alone at the student union I'll make a friend. Go up to a random stranger and meet someone new. Step out of my comfort zone. Today I sit here eating my makeshift salad staring into this sea of students and realize I am a coward and this is the reason I have no friends. I am a coward not because my lack of friends but because i refuse to take myself out my own misery. That saying "you are you own worst enemy" comes to mind. I am my own worst enemy. I limit myself and cant seem to step out of this box I seem to have placed myself in.

Another day, I tell myself. Another day I'll come up with the courage to go up to a stranger and meet them, broaden my horizons and let myself be the most vulnerable me. But that day will not be today.

Today's not a good day.

Cheers

An Introduction

By Gloria Lee

1. 19 years old. Born July 20th, 1993

2. I'm generally outgoing but am awkward in most social interactions.

3. This is my first entry to my first blog. Consequently being the most important, and yet, most trivial thing I will do today.

4. I hear voices. jk no I don't, but I wish I did. It would make life much simpler.

5. I think I'm smart and superior to people. Some may take that as being an ass (I certainly do.)

6. I like to talk about myself. Going back to the 'I'm an ass point'

7. I hate failure, although it seems to love me.

8. I enjoy organized religion and am normally content with my views on man's existential dilemma.

9. I am a logical person, unless I'm surrounded by my peers. Which is usually why I like being alone, and am always alone.

10.  I'm blunt and say whats on my mind, no matter what that might be, or how appropriate. It limits the number of people that like to associate with me.

I guess I made this blog out of very stereotypical purposes. I wanted my thoughts to be documented, somewhere they will always be. The internet is hardly a permanent thing, although some will argue that it is. I'm not saying the things I write is literary gold, but I do enjoy it. I'm guessing that's all that should matter, unfortunately that's not always the case. Forgive me internet.

Cheers.


Edit: I realize I sound like a pompous ass. I apologize for that. I might have written this in some sort of fugue state. I have reason to believe I'm mental.