Explorer

Not new lands to journey
Nor ruins of old
I am an explorer of places untold
I am a seeker of possibility
Exploring the farthest depths of my inner me

Learning who I am within my soul
Discovering the paths that no one can know
I am an explorer
Crawling to my deepest desires
Understanding my most loathsome fears
I am an explorer determined to seek something so near

Traveling to the ends of my inner most thoughts
Braving through the should haves and should nots
I am an explorer more terrified than most
For the end of my journey all I see is a host
A frame, a shadow holding so dear
A world full of possibilities that will never be reared.

I'll just leave this here. 

Cheers

April Fool

Today's the first. I sit here, having had no social interaction all day, and realize how pathetic my life can be. Jesus, this sucks. No jokes -no pranks -not even a giggle.
I have no friends and that sucks. I never thought life after high school would be so lonely. I thought college was suppose to be a time of discovering who you really are. I thought this was the time you make the friends that will last forever. I thought this was the time I was suppose to make the best memories. I turn 20 this year and I am incredibly sad that I'm running out of time. I don't want to grow up alone.

Cheers

Thinking.

Talking to the internet is so liberating. Knowing that no one is judging me, knowing that I am writing to  no one. It may seem sad, and then I realize who cares? There is not one person reading this that will give a crap about me. No one is going to spend time to stop by this page read these posts. Thats the wonders of the internet. Maybe hundreds of years from now historians will stumble upon my blog and see me, see who I am, see how I think. I'll continue to write with this hope. Grasping on to this sliver of hope I will continue to think and think and think some more till what I think is of some importance. At this moment I'm unimpressed by my mind. I need to spend more time meditating. Less time talking, more time thinking.

I just spent the last 3 hours listening to this..

Jitters

I'm feeling quite anxious today. I shouldn't have started my day off with a 20oz coffee but I did and here is where I'm at. I lie to myself and say caffeine doesn't affect me as much as I think it does. Today is a clear indication that I am no better than the next person in caffeine toleration.

The extra caffeine in my system is making me aware of about 75% more of my surroundings. (not to mention internally a well) I am self aware to an extreme level.

On a side note I've started couponing as a hobby. I figured I needed to do something to keep my mind occupied and thought 'what the heck, why not save some money.'

It's actually incredibly satisfying. I can see how people become addicted to it. The savings are so incredible. The other night I got a 40 dollar bill down to just 2 bucks! I was pretty proud of myself.

Well yeah, there it is. My dull life became all the more less interesting but at least I'm some what enjoying how I'm spending my time now, er money.

Cheers Internet

More than I can chew

Crash diets
Responsibilities
School work
Work work
My red-zone dog
Mental status
Medication
Familial obligations
Maintaining my theoretical laissez faire attitude.

Just needed a medium in which to write those things down. I'm not complaining. Life could be harder, worse. I could be dead, but I'm not. Another day.

Cheers.

Rumors

I believe there are people spreading lies about me and my family. I hear them through the grapevine. Be that as it may, none of the things I'm hearing are of any truth. 

I don't understand the reason for rumors. Well, actually, I guess I do. It all stems from one of two things: doubt and envy. I guess I can't blame these low-life's for envying my family and myself. They all come from screwed up homes and broken families. I on the other hand have a father and mother who are morally upstanding people. I have loving, intelligent, and successful siblings. I guess I am the only flaw, but regardless, my family is envied by so many tis why we are under so much attack. 

life is rough. strike that, its livable and I will live it. 

My thoughts aren't very coherent or of importance today, another update will come soon internet. One much more readable. 

Cheers.